[No surviving envelope]
Your letter came, very welcome, this morning, and I wanted to be able to give the evening to answering it, and get my letter off so that you would get it by the second post tomorrow. ButEliot, Marion Cushing (TSE's sister)1934 summer in England with Dodo;c5returns from Winchester;a9 ISmith, Theodora ('Dodo') Eliot (TSE's niece)and Marion's 1934 visit to England;b1;b1 had to go to see Marian and Dodo who have just got back from Salisbury and Winchester, as I had said I would when we separated, and now there is hardly time for me to write a proper letter before eleven o’clock. I had no time at the office; and I can no longer write to you easily from there, as I used to do, because I hate the interruptions, and what I like is to have the whole evening for it.
I wanted to answer quickly first of all to assure you, honestly and gladly, that I am not hurt by anything you have said in your very clear and candid letter – which I think does help to clear things up a bit! I have learned a great deal in the last four years, through you, but more especially, though I do not doubt that I have a great deal still to learn, because I have had so very little experience.
AndHale, EmilyTSE's love for;x2TSE repents of over-prizing;d3 secondly, I do not feel bitter. I see that the sentence you quote may be interpreted in that way. But I did not mean: ‘it is worth nothing because you don’t value it’ – I was not dreaming or complaining or thinking that I had anything to complain about in your feelings, I meant that it seemed to me worth nothing. And I don’t think that there is anything in your letter, frank and unhappy as it is, about yourself, that you should be troubled about. But seeing that you are troubled, and perhaps beginning to see why, I want to write in such a way as to make clear why I believe it is the being troubled that is wrong. But first of all relieve yourself of any anxiety lest anything form in me which will be a ‘barrier to my own desire towards you’.
Your letter has made me understand better the previous letters, and I wholly absolve you of any suspicion of the kind of benevolence towards me which is more painful than plain indifference! In the circumstances, I am perfectly contented by the attitude which you now express – thoughHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9if TSE were not married;c3 I may be allowed to cherish the supposition that in other circumstances I might have changed, or might change it. In the circumstances, it is all that I really want; for anything that I saw brought more torment to you could only make me wretched. JustHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9its perceived inequalities;d4 realise that we have both been worrying over the same thing: the thought of receiving so much and giving nothing; and surely you will see that all this fuss is a waste of energy and a positive strain. And I do implore you to stop worrying about your feelings or lack of feelings towards anybody, I am sure it is morally wrong. It is wrong to expect too much of oneself, and is not really humble. Also, you are implicitly assuming that you know more about yourself than probably you do – as you may discover eventually.
IAmericaNew England;f9and the New England conscience;a7 know something about these things, IChristianityguilt;b7and the New England conscience;a1 think, because I have also the N.E. conscience, and I have been as much operated upon by the sense of guilt as anybody. FromEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)marriage to;e6its morbidity;a4 theEliot, Charlotte Champe Stearns (TSE's mother)her death and TSE's guilt;a9 day I married until certainly after my mother’s death, nothing held me but the sense of guilt. IEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)marriage to;e6TSE on entering into;a1 felt that because I had married somebody without being in love with her, and was only married because she gave such excellent reasons against imposing upon her a ‘long engagement’, that made me a person with no rights – so that I put up with hideous things that I have never told anybody. I now see that that was all quite morbid, and that it would have been more virtuous to separate immediately. This is not of course a parallel – I only mean that I have learned that one must only worry about the things that are within ones own control – and then should not worry either, because one should just do the right thing and be done with it. But for Heaven’s sake don’t worry about your feelings towards people, or blame or abuse yourself because you are not so ideal as you would like to imagine yourself.
Now I shall run out and post this – and go on writing for the next post. So excuse abruptness – to be continued.
6.CharlotteEliot, Charlotte Champe Stearns (TSE's mother) Champe Stearns Eliot (1843–1929): see Biographical Register.
1.Marian/MarionEliot, Marion Cushing (TSE's sister) Cushing Eliot (1877–1964), fourth child of Henry Ware Eliot and Charlotte Eliot: see Biographical Register.
2.TheodoraSmith, Theodora ('Dodo') Eliot (TSE's niece) Eliot Smith (1904–92) – ‘Dodo’ – daughter of George Lawrence and Charlotte E. Smith: see Biographical Register. Theodora’sSmith, Charlotte ('Chardy') Stearns (TSE's niece) sister was Charlotte Stearns Smith (b. 1911), known as ‘Chardy’.