[No surviving envelope]
Your letter of the 3d arrived at Pikes Farm on Saturday afternoon (I am replying on an antiquated and arthritic typewriter) and I was glad of an interval with no post, because I felt it was a letter to answer at once, and at the same time I wanted a breathing space, to give the volcanic unheaval which it could not but release (you have no need to worry about that) time to settle down a bit. However, one can never be sure about bank holidays, sometimes there is a morning post and sometimes not, and as there came a post here this morning, I suppose you have had one too; and if you had been expecting a letter from me this morning, I am very sorry for the delay. Besides, when visiting one is not altogether master of one’s time, especially in a household with children, andHugh Inneses, thevisiting Pike's Farm;a2Innes, Hugh McLeod
FirstHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9then apologises for blaming TSE;d1 of all, I recognise your generosity in asserting your ‘responsibility for this last offensive’ and trying to calm my own conscience; but my dear, you cannot disentangle yourself from me, or vice versa, to that extent. IHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9leads to unhappiness in EH;d2 shall always feel the full responsibility for everything that happens or doesn’t happen; andLittle Giddingthings 'done to others' harm';a1 my greatest unhappiness has always been, and always will be the consciousness of unhappiness given to you and harm done to you1 – my greatest happiness would be to make you happy – real and true and permanent happiness and fullness of life for you. There is no reason for you to feel that your letter ‘grows worse in retrospect’, or to be ‘terribly unhappy at making my misery more acute’. You do not realise what great happiness you have given me and do give me. Not that you couldn’t make me miserable! naturally the one person who can make one happy, who can give one ecstasy, is also the one person who can make one thoroughly and desperately unhappy. But you have not done so. What gave me anguish in your last letter was the terror of the strain which our present terms (and past terms) of relationship may have imposed upon you; of something which might not be apparent to your doctor.
IHale, EmilyTSE's love for;x2disquiets EH;c8 know quite well that I feel just as you do, and I had persuaded myself that you did not feel quite as I do – I mean I had supposed that the consciousness of all that is lacking was less acute for you. And in this, I have been stupid from the start. I had assumed, from the very beginning, that there was just a situation which remained the same; it never occurred to me, from the moment of my first démarche nearly four years ago, that anything I did might tend to alter your attitude towards me – I thought of it as just something which had formed of itself, and was merely becoming explicit in correspondence. It was very stupid not to realise that it is a matter always of degree, and the differences of degree are of the most vital importance; and that by constantly pressing myself upon your attention, and importuning you with my correspondence, I was really tampering insidiously with your peace of mind.
I am leaving out of account my behaviour of many years ago; I am only concerned with my behaviour of the last four years. I repeat that I am still very immature and inexperienced. It never occurs to me that I can influence anybody; it was rather a shock a little while ago, when I saw an autobiographical note by a friend of mine, in which he referred to me as a ‘dominating personality’!
So far, all this has merely been to reassure you about your responsibility, and point out that in so far as responsibility can be apportioned, it is all mine. I remember when you wrote in a letter long ago, and when we neither of us expected even such changes in the situation as the last two years have brought about, that we might come to want each other more as time went on – an intuition of which I failed to see the real importance. AndHale, EmilyTSE's love for;x2obstructive to EH loving another;c9 I want to say that (unconscious as I may still be) I am convinced that it is not hypocrisy or self-deceit to say that [it is] only your happiness and what is really best for you in the end, that can bring me any permanent happiness. I believe that I should really be happier (though suffering too) to see you happily married to someone else – though I know that unconsciously (but blameworthily) I have done everything in my power to prevent it.
Now I have said what I feel just as you do, in response to your letter. And though I have no previous experience of all that is involved, I am acutely aware of all that I have hitherto missed. I also believe that all the elements that go to make up a ‘great passion’ are here present with us in the right – I might almost presumptuously say ideal – relation. That makes it all the harder. And I agree that shyness should have no place; and that ‘Puritanism’ as we knew it, is a negative and unsanctified thing to get rid of. It is all a matter of what one puts in its place; andHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9TSE's reasons against marrying;c5 to be guided just by ones own feelings, even by ones knowledge of the genuineness and purity of ones own feelings, is not enough. Here, there is a difference between us – a difference which I ought to be able to appreciate better than you, because my ideas are more alien to you than yours to me. At this point I wish fervently that I might be talking to you, instead of writing, because this is just where the possibilities of misunderstanding are greatest. Yet perhaps if I were with you at this moment I should just melt away, and could not speak; ecce deus fortiori te, ecce amor.2 Will you try to have the same faith in the spirit behind my views, that I have in yours, and which enables me to regard you steadfastly as a better and finer and more unselfish and purer person than I?
ThereEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)the possibility of divorcing;f2inimical to future TSE's happiness;a9 are ways in which I can readily see myself as behaving, behaviour which in all its impulses I recognise as right, and which yet would make my conscience unhappy. However completely I surrendered myself, as I could, I could see no basis for permanent happiness; however exalted the feelings in themselves, I should feel that I should have to be shriven and begin again. I am aware, in human experience, that this process or cycle is sometimes, at least, in the end productive of enrichment: but one cannot, in ones own acts, proceed upon that assumption. This is a hard saying.3 But it is essential that I should make my attitude at least as clear as you have made yours – I do not expect to be able to do it in one letter, so do not feel sure that I have. In this matter we must aim at complete sharing, lest eventual perception of even the slightest barrier or difference turn you from me in loathing.
NowHale, Emilyreligious beliefs and practices;x1compared to TSE's;a5 IChristianityUnitarianism;d9the Eliots' as against EH's;a1 hope that you will not take it as priggishness if I say I must feel a greater responsibility towards you, from my point of view, than if you were a person who believed all that I believe. How can I, from my point of view, regard you as anything but ignorant – very innocently so? And ones responsibility towards one who is ‘ignorant’ is heavier than towards anyone with clear knowledge. <Does this irritate you?>
IChristianitydeath and afterlife;b4 am sorry for your uncertainty of anything after death; but after all you believe just about what my parents, and most of my family, believe. I understand the feeling you have, with this uncertainty, about the necessity to snatch what one can, in a world destroying itself. Alas! I have seen that all about me, and that despair itself is part of the destruction and decay. God forbid that I should preach to you, ever; this would be the last occasion; nor do I feel like it. I wish I could make you realise the deep and unshakeable awe and reverence which I feel towards you.4 This is no sentimental figure of speech.
Is there any basis for us? that we must find out this summer if we can. ItHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9possible drain on EH's health;d3 will take all your power of self-examination, of honesty with yourself and with me – and of course mine too, But more yours; because to drift on in any terms which caused you perpetual emotional unrest would only lead to ill health, and a self-reproach for me to which all that I have felt and feel would be only a shadow. I am more and more anxious for you. And is there anything more dreadful than to destroy what one loves beyond anything in the world, the only person one has ever loved. <Have no anxiety for me!>
Yet I do see the comic aspect of our behaviour which you call attention to! Perhaps we can eliminate that.
TheEliot, Marion Cushing (TSE's sister)1934 summer in England with Dodo;c5visit to Chipping Campden;a6 visitSmith, Theodora ('Dodo') Eliot (TSE's niece)and Marion's 1934 visit to England;b1;a6 totravels, trips and plansEH's 1934–5 year in Europe;b4TSE visits Campden again with family;a8 tea will have to be a formal one, I expect; we can hardly expect any private conversation. ItSheffields, thecompared to Marion as confidants;b5 would be different if it were Ada and Sheff – thoughEliot, Marion Cushing (TSE's sister)not a suitable confidant;a5 I am very fond of Marian, I cannot exactly confide in anyone so completely devoid of knowledge of life. We were all brought up in a glass jar, and Marian managed to stay there – and is very sweet and unimaginative. DodoSmith, Theodora ('Dodo') Eliot (TSE's niece)TSE on;b2 is a commonplace girl – she is fond enough of her relatives, and very fond indeed of Marian, but has I believe alienated her one or two admirers in the early stages by a faultfinding [sic] habit of mind. However, she is not a person one worries about. But somehow, even in just these circumstances, I am always happy to think of you with any members of my family – a shadow of your being a member of it. Shall we have private and individual rehearsals beforehand? I hope not! IBédier, JosephTristan et Iseult;a1 hope I did not betray my agitation over the Bédier Tristan et Iseult 5– not that it mattered if I did, only the more ones feelings are disturbed and begin to simmer, the more one likes to think one is maintaining a mask of impenetrability.
I will say this: that in a way I am AM less miserable, thanks to your letter. Or is it merely a state of exultation? I get that whenever I feel that we are speaking to each other more frankly and directly. But I am still miserable for two reasons: first lest anything in this letter arouses your hostility or inflames your exasperation with me – in which case I beg you to suspend judgement of me; and second, because of the spectre of further harming my dear pure Dove, my darling Riperaspberrymouth (it is as the latter that IHale, Emily Jose Milliken (EH's mother)in TSE's prayers;b6 habitually mention you, andHale, Edwardin TSE's prayers;a4 your mother and father, in my prayers).
Will you write on Wednesday to The New Inn, Lechlade? We are at Oxford such a short time that I fear a letter might miss me.
1.See ‘Little Gidding’ , II: ‘and the awareness / Of things ill done and done to others' harm’.
2.‘Behold a god who is stronger than you, behold love.’ TSE slightly modifies the opening lines of Dante’s La vita nuova (1293): ‘Ecce deus fortior me, qui veniens dominabitur mihi.’
3.John 6: 60: ‘Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is an hard saying; who can hear it?’
4.Cf. Hebrews 12: 28.
5.Le Roman de Tristan et Iseut (1900), a version of the medieval romance by the French writer, scholar and historian Joseph Bédier (1864–1938).
1.Marian/MarionEliot, Marion Cushing (TSE's sister) Cushing Eliot (1877–1964), fourth child of Henry Ware Eliot and Charlotte Eliot: see Biographical Register.
1.EdwardHale, Edward Hale (1858–1918), Unitarian minister, father of Emily Hale: see Biographical Register.
2.TheodoraSmith, Theodora ('Dodo') Eliot (TSE's niece) Eliot Smith (1904–92) – ‘Dodo’ – daughter of George Lawrence and Charlotte E. Smith: see Biographical Register. Theodora’sSmith, Charlotte ('Chardy') Stearns (TSE's niece) sister was Charlotte Stearns Smith (b. 1911), known as ‘Chardy’.