[No surviving envelope]
YourHayward, John;b3 letter was given to me last night just as I was starting out to dinner with John Hayward. IHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9EH blames TSE for his ardour;c9 read it before I left, and twice more before going to bed. I could not have answered it last night, and indeed I do not know what I shall say now; but I must get off something to you before the country post, so that you may get it in the morning. I feel profoundly wretched, on your account.
Consciencetravels, trips and plansEH's 1934–5 year in Europe;b4TSE books rooms in Lechlade;a7 certainly should tell me to go to Lechlade, and perhaps I ought to go a good deal further. (Tomorrow, until Tuesday morning, my address will be care of F. V. Morley, Pike’s Farm, Lingfield, Surrey; Tuesday and Wednesday probably at the Isis Private Hotel, Iffley Road, Oxford, but that is not a sure address; and after that The New Inn, Lechlade-on-Thames, Glos.). Perhaps I should not have come the last weekend. I too, had been under the impression that you had ‘laid the ghosts’, and was determined to play my part accordingly. AsHale, Emilycorrespondence with TSE;w3TSE doubts having pursued;f7 for your holding me to blame, I know that, but the pain of my own self-reproaches has been too acute for me to feel yours bitterly, and I know you would still be right to reproach me much more than you have ever done. I did not think I could cause you any fresh pain. Itravels, trips and plansTSE's 1933 westward tour to Scripps;a8TSE reflects on;a9 ought to have had the strength not to go to California; and having gone, I should have had the strength to write less frequently, and in a wholly un-passionate tone. I see myself as a blood-sucker.
I am willing to agree with you all you say about the damage of living this mutilated life, of all the benefits to be won from a full and normal one. You also know perfectly well that I would literally give my eyesight to be able to marry you, though unworthy of such happiness. IHale, EmilyTSE's love for;x2clarified and strengthened by Chipping Campden reunion;c7 admit that I love you more intensely and appreciatively than ever – though at no time in the past would this have seemed to me possible – and probably this process will go on. But, my love, my love, what do you think I CAN do? AsChristianitydivorce;b5would separate TSE from Church;a4 for the Church, itEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)the possibility of divorcing;f2would involve permanent division from Church;a8 is not simply a question of embroilment or disfavour for a time, but of permanently cutting myself off from it, in this world and the next, were I to seek a divorce; and even if I did, I know I should not get it. IUnderhill, Revd Francis, Bishop of Bath and Wellsconsulted on question of divorce;c1 think that I must now see my spiritual adviser, and in confessional confidence, but mentioning no names, lay the case before him as it now is; but I do not like to take even this step without asking your permission first. May I? I am very worried now about your health, about YOUR health, I am thoroughly inoculated and can stand any amount of my own suffering, it is only the thought of what I have caused you already, and the terror of causing more, that might be the breaking of me. So something must be done to put an end to this tension. We have got to find some way of coming to an agreement as to what is the right thing – I think you will agree to that.
11.JohnHayward, John Davy Hayward (1905–65), editor and critic: see Biographical Register.
2.Revd Francis UnderhillUnderhill, Revd Francis, Bishop of Bath and Wells, DD (1878–1943), TSE’s spiritual counsellor: see Biographical Register.