[Part of a letter from EH to TSE, dated 26 April 1945; in EH collection]
Copy.
WhatHale, Emilyrelationship with TSE;w9EH seeks post-war clarity on;f6 I want most of all in this letter, to say – is to re-align relations between us once again, after now nearly six years separation. Changes of personality naturally take place constantly – influenced by all manner of inner and outer conditions – and we both have changed, I am sure, since we parted in 1939. You have lived under the terrific pressure of war and its attendant stresses outwardly and inwardly. To you, poet and unusual man that you are, the results must be incalculable in effect. I have also lived thro’ diverse new personal experiences and attendant adjustments. Naturally, some of these are tied to my relations with you – present and past. After my illness, I wanted most strongly to feel that I could marry you and so wrote you. As your answer told me again, that was impossible under existing conditions. I wondered whether I might not be happy with someone else instead, and whether our love for each other would remain always a rare thing to hold close, but of a nature to be unfulfilled; and whether it would be wronging that relation to live beyond and above it, or through it, perhaps to something less unusual, but more normal. (There was no one actually asking me). Unconsciously, this had been in my mind and heart for these two years past – and I felt it only honest to give you suggestions of my bewilderment. SinceHale, Emilycorrespondence with TSE;w3TSE's letters 'undemonstrative and impersonal';i2 you may have sensed this, but have never referred to any possible change in me or you, and since your letters are usually so very undemonstrative and impersonal, it is hard for me to tell from them just what you consider yourself to me, or myself to you. AsHale, EmilyTSE's love for;x2EH questions;e7 the possibility of a cessation of war in Europe draws closer – not a return to normal, – such cessation would bring changes of all sorts into the open, so to speak. Do you still feel that if you were free, you wish to marry me? That you would love me as you have these many years, I do not doubt, but that love is so far apart from other great facts and truths of life, that in these five to six years, I have no way of knowing whether you are as you were or not. I now wish to say that if you do wish to marry me ever, I shall keep myself always waiting and ready for you. Buttravels, trips and plansEH's 1934–5 year in Europe;b4EH reflects on the final weeks of;f7 I would rather the truth from you, in case you feel differently, and I should understand, and still want to try to be what I could, to you – to try to carry the unusual, very complimentary, rather grave responsibility you have placed upon me – and which, I have always consented to accept since 1934 – when we came together in those thrilling London days.
[A note at the foot of the letter, in EH’s hand, reads:]
Copy of private letter to be destroyed without reading.