[1418 East 63d St., Seattle]

I don’t know whether I have even begun to give you an understanding of how it came about; and of course I can never make a perfectly irrational act seem rational. But at least I hope I have made it clear that I do not feel wholly and solely to blame for that or for the present conditions. OfEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)separation from;f1reasons for not having happened;a4 course it is possible that V. might have been happier and therefore healthier with a different kind of man; but it is equally possible that she would have gone to pieces in any circumstances; and certainly a great deal of damage had been done to her mental balance before ever I met her. It is certain in retrospect that I should have separated from her a year after our marriage. But at the time, and for a long time, I felt too much to blame for my folly to contemplate that; furthermore there were financial reasons. For several years my father paid my rent. A separation would have meant that he would have had to allow me enough money for two people to live separately, and he could ill have afforded it. Then later, the fact of V.’s irresponsibility and incapacity to look after herself weighed with me; and off and on I had hopes that I could at least make a tolerable and fairly good life for her, if not for myself. OfEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)the possibility of divorcing;f2TSE's objections to;a1 course, in the early days I should have been willing to go through the horrors of the English divorce court – which involves staging a fake adultery – had she found any other man whom she wanted to marry; nowChristianitydivorce;b5unrecognised by Anglo-Catholic Church;a1, of course, I belong to a church which does not recognise divorce in any circumstances or for any reason.

AndEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)mental state;e8childlike;a1 I think she is as fond of me as she is capable of being. Her emotional and moral life is that of a very young child; though her mind, even though incapable of concentration or brain work, is rather decidedly above the average. SinceEliot, Charlotte Champe Stearns (TSE's mother)screened from TSE's domestic nightmare;a4 my mother died I have found that what kept me going was largely the desire to keep my mother in ignorance of the truth. Since then, indeed, I have several times raised the question of separation with V. – sometimes in fits of hysteria, but also when quite calm; but have never made the slightest impression. It produces a quarrel, but in twentyfour hours she has quite put it out of mind; in short, it seems as if the only way to arrive at a separation would be for me to make a bolt. OfEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)drug habits;e7in TSE's absence;a2 course I have already given you the minor reasons which make me hesitate to press a separation, including the reason that she would certainly drug herself into a sanatorium in a few months. Yet I agree with everything you say, and have searched my conscience endlessly; withEliot, Vivien (TSE's first wife, née Haigh-Wood)marriage to;e6its morbidity;a4 all the reasons I have given against separation, I yet feel almost unclean to go on living in the same flat, feeling towards her as I do. It is not even as if I had ever cared for her; to have felt any sort of passion, even had its duration been very brief, would impose a continuing bond; but as it is I don’t feel that I have ever been married at all. But she realises nothing; it is one of those minds which build up an impregnable defence against reality.

Enough of this, I dare say, for one letter. DidGeorge, Robert Esmonde Gordon ('Robert Sencourt')in thumbnail;a2 I ever answer your enquiry about the man you met with us? His name is Robert Esmonde Gordon George – a New Zealander – ex-officer in the Bengal Lancers – sent up to Oxford late, after the war – Roman Catholic convert, and very devout – always buzzing about with Cardinals and Abbots – lives in Hyères, having poor health – and seems to know an immense number of people everywhere – writes under the name of Robert Sencourt – I believe his recent Life of the Empress Eugenie was very successful both here and in America. He is inclined to take a little too much upon himself, but otherwise is a very refined and sensitive person, and I like his company. Very eager interest in human beings. TheSchiff, Sydney (Stephen Hudson)described for EH;a2 ‘Sydneyanti-Semitism;a2’ is Sydney Schiff; a man of about 60 – half a Jew – family of rich bankers – he writes autobiography thinly disguised as fiction under the name of ‘Stephen Hudson’; alert mind and in some ways very sensitive, in some ways, like most westernised Jews, rather coarse and thick-skinned. Not altogether an admirable character, but likeable. Used to patronise the arts. PlayedRothermere, Mary Lilian (née Share)introduced to TSE by Sydney Schiff;a1 an important part in my career at one moment, as he introduced me to Lady Rothermere – what a strange woman that is, I must tell you about her some day – hence the Criterion etc;1 andLloyds Bankhis work on pre-war debt;a2 but for the CriterionCriterion, Theintroduced TSE to Whibley;a2 I might never have become intimate with WhibleyWhibley, Charlesintroduced TSE to GCF;a4, whoFaber, Geoffreyintroduced to TSE by Whibley;a9 in turn introduced me to Faber; so otherwise I might still be in Lloyds Bank. IGermanyand TSE's Lloyds war-work;a4 did not altogether loathe the Bank; and for two years I had an extremely interesting job, settling the pre-war debts between English and Germans, largely legal work – I was able to help a few poor wretched Germans who had lived in England all their lives and had their property confiscated, and didn’t want to go back to Germany at all – some indeed were English women married to Germans; but most of the work was complicated litigation and interpretation of the Peace Treaty.

I am worried about what this coming season will bring you. It does not look as if prosperity would come in time to create much demand for lectures this winter. Now I shall relieve my feelings by writing to Willard Thorp to ask him to let me know when they arrive – Brown Shipley2 I think you said – the letter is locked up downstairs. God bless you my dear; you have daily the prayers of your grateful and humble